This is by far the most confronting blog I’ve written to date. Not for the reader, but for me! I’ve always wanted to write without filters, and authentically. This blog is no exception. It has taken me 6 weeks of backwards and forwards to complete it.  So I take a deep breath and here we go. It all starts with a bit of a summary about me, although many of you already can attest to the type of personality I have, this is for those that you perhaps shared this blog with who I’ve never encountered before.

I am one of a kind, I believe. I know this because there are many people who I’ve interacted with me tell me so. It’s not arrogance, just a knowing that what I present to the world is rare. Rare in the sense that there are few people that are able to have a relentless focus on the positive side of life. It is both a learned and practiced skill. Some of my favourite compliments have been about my ability to make people feel comfortable quickly, and they comment about how their interactions with me have improved their day. There has only been one occasion that I have been accused of being fake, who felt that my positivity lacked authenticity. In their words “no one can be that happy all the time”. I guess in reality that is a true statement, and the reason behind my putting pen to paper about this. I will say, however that is the essence of who I know to be true. That is a happy, positive soul who sees the best in situations and in others.
There are many reasons why I wanted to write this. Firstly, as with all my ramblings, it’s very cathartic for me to put my thoughts down. Secondly its also to perhaps shed light on topics that are often unspoken or unusual to talk about. Lastly in doing this, I hope to be able to help others understand people, and gain a perspective that might be different to their own. I believe that with understanding comes acceptance, cause there is nothing wrong with someone not thinking or being the same as you.
I am honestly not sure where to begin, but I will say that throughout my life from a young age I was known for my smile and happiness. I have often bumped into people (electronically and in real life), who are from my past and this is often a statement that they make ‘you were always so happy’. This overwhelming sense of a need to smile and be happy came very naturally to me from a young age. My earliest memories are that of a happy kid who always enjoyed keeping my family entertained with silly antics, songs and drop of the hat entertainment. Whether we were stuck in cars, or about to pray before dinner, I relished in seeing others happy. If I were to reflect, it actually does become quite energising to know that you were improving someone’s day with a little bit of joy.
I was very fortunate to grow up in a very positive household. Where voices were rarely raised and I it was instilled in me that I could do ANYTHING! Even run the world. This, I believe gave me an overwhelming sense of confidence that has carried through each stage of my life, but more importantly has helped me survive some of the toughest times of my life too. I don’t recall a turning point where suddenly I ‘knew’ how positivity would impact my reactions to life, it was slowly a muscle I exercised regularly. As I matured and grew older there were many times where my ability to remain positive would be tested.
Dealing with loss, separating parents, finding out my dad was gay, family secrets, everyday parenting, raising teenagers, my own divorce, friend’s tragedies……the list goes on. But also realising that many of these situations aren’t unique to me either.
I suppose that statement in itself has a lot to do with my process of positivity. A deep sense of knowing that other’s have it far worse off than you. I remember amidst my own separation from my husband of 18 years, while conversing with friends and family during emotional times, I was able to reflect that there were women in far worse situations than I. I hadn’t suffered physical abuse, or been left without money or without a place to live. It could have been so much worse for me.
With all this being said, people’s compliments of how I was coping and staying so ‘positive’ drove me to keep on with my brave face. An impossible task 100% of the time, so throughout various challenging times I have chosen to have countless private moments of tears and pain. Allowing my emotions to be very raw behind closed doors rather than in front of people. The crazy thing is, though, that my gorgeous friends and family would be perfectly ok with me ‘letting it all hang out’ anytime. So would extended contacts and acquaintances I would presume. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel pressure to keep up a smile, cause that’s what people expect from me.
It’s interesting to feel a pressure like that. Having been someone who has always been quite emotional (you know the type that cries in ads about puppies and babies) but in recent times feel that I have hardened somewhat. As I write I think about situations that in the past would have caused me to lose my shit, and break down and cry, I now have little or no emotion attached at all. There’s some empowerment in that, but as with anything in my life I like to reflect when there is a change or a shift. Firstly to be sure its the right kind of change, but also if it is good, what has brought it on? Is this something I’ve influenced or has it been organic?
Any ways, I guess I am not even sure why I feel this pressure, except when it becomes noticeable to others that maybe you’re not your bubbly self, and people don’t cope well with it. They come to you to fill their cup, for the consistent positive interaction, the person they lean to feel the positive in their current situation. I see it in their faces, being taken aback by the lack of spring in my step as they chat. Walking away disappointed and clearly not knowing what to say. Now I can’t really blame them for it. The classic saying “it’s not you, its me” springs to mind in these circumstances.

But the question I ask is…….who fills my cup? What would people think if I can’t be that person? I guess there are times I have just cracked, bowing to the emotional pressure cooker of my soul. But this has occurred with unexpected people. I’ve had 2 moments where I can say I’ve sobbed and been completely vulnerable in the presence of other people. There have been other private times, but I’ve been fortunate enough to meet kind strangers who have afforded me an autonomous sounding board and incredible compassion. 
I guess now would be a good time to say that this is not a cry for help…..I am ok!!! This is especially important to note for those close to me, who I know read these blogs religiously and will think there is something to be concerned about. There really isn’t, but just a reminder there are people out there showing far less than what really is happening beneath the surface. Look for signs, know they can’t always be your light when you are experiencing your dark. 
For me I know I LOVE to be that person for others, but learning as I get older, that I need to be conscious that I don’t need to be perfect, or smile or the time, or hide my vulnerabilities. I am human, just like you. Doing the best with what I have. But I know that there’s nothing wrong with that.