It’s a truly awful thing to lose someone you love, especially when this happens suddenly and unexpectedly. Unfortunately this is an experience I endured earlier this year when my delicious step dad passed away from a massive heart attack.

There are books you can read, get tips about funeral planning, and hear from others how they have coped through loss. So I will say this is not a “how to guide”, it’s more of a “how we did it” narrative. Because, let’s be honest, there is no right or wrong way to do it. You have to step through whatever feels right, and let no one tell you how it should be done. Despite many well meaning people dishing out their advice no end, I was adamant to let my family do grief the way they wanted to. 
Nothing could have really prepared me for the role I played in this pivotal time, but I must say, I feel proud of many of the very practical things we were able to do for our mother, not just as family, but also the extended community in which we live.

What helps immediately?
Mum’s church community at Thrive sprung into action providing daily meals for us. This was an incredibly practical action that we could not have done without. It times of high stress and grief, the last thing you want to do is cook. The respect they showed by only have one or two of the same people deliver meant that we were given the space to not worry about having to manage everyone’s grief at what was an already difficult time. There was an incredible online tool that was used by the church so many could be involved without doubling up on meals and providing variety for us all. It is called Meal Train and would highly recommend this to anyone who is looking to provide this practical assistance to a person experiencing a major event in their life.

Communicate Communicate Communicate
I am not sure a phone has ever worked so hard. But quickly I became a contact point. As people would message mum, I would respond from my phone with what they needed information about. This gave mum, my brother, sister and kids, the space they needed just to come to terms with the sudden loss. Mum’s front driveway became my office as I fielded and made countless calls out of earshot of the family. A hideous yet necessary task to undertake. Family, friends, workplaces, schools…..the list felt impossible to get to the end of, and for a time it didn’t. Not only did the news need to be delivered, but planning of the funeral, wake, memorials, travelers, flowers, food deliveries…..but all was done in complete separation from mum. Just another way to be able to let mum grieve without the any additional pressures or decisions to be made.

Coping in Public
When you need to go out and it is unavoidable, how do you protect those you love from unnecessary interactions and awkward moments? It was time to pick an outfit for my mum to wear to the funeral. What does a person wear to farewell the love of their life? Well meaning retail staff we know are bound to come and ask if we need help or if we are shopping for a special occasion. So I went ahead while my sister walked with mum. I would greet the shop assistants and let them know there was a special lady coming with an impossible task of choosing an outfit for her husbands funeral. I would ask for their grace and discretion to allow her to move around the store without being approached. All were incredibly accommodating and grateful for the information so as not to offend or make the situation any more difficult than it needed to be.
The same happened at the nail salon where mum would break down, and having this information shared up front it just helped allow her to grieve wherever and whenever it hit.

The neighbourhood
When people hear screams followed by a string of ambulances and police cars its not uncommon for people in the street to be concerned. Once again, mum living in an incredible neighbourhood it was more care than being nosey. But we knew that the night of funeral was going to be big……and loud. I’ve always been a considerate neighbour whenever hosting gatherings and a family gathering after a funeral should be no exception.
So I created some flyers that gave people around us the heads up that there was going to be some noise, and cars and people around after the funeral.

Letter box drop done in the neighbourhood

The response was incredible. Because I had left my number, messages of love and support came in from strangers all around the neighbourhood.
“You go ahead and make as much noise as you want and celebrate his life in spectacular fashion”
“Please feel free to make as much noise as you like, and use our front lawn for parking if you need to”
“Give him a party like no other and celebrate his life amongst your family & friends”
“Please use our driveway for your visitors, this is no problem at all”
I was in awe of the outpouring of kindness from all these strangers that would have passed Bruce each and every day, but never met.

Make sure people can tell their stories
What is so helpful is telling great stories about someone you’ve lost. You don’t need to sob all over a grieving widow, but to hear the wonderful things that are remembered about your loved one is very heartwarming indeed. So on the funeral order of service we gave people that opportunity, by setting up an email address so grieving friends and family had a place they could tell their favourite memories. While there were only a few it allowed people to grieve through story telling.

Grief looks different on you
I know that grief is a bit of an anomaly, and something that we each do differently. And by the way, that’s ok! Just because the phrases “new normal” and “you never get dealt more than you can handle” may have been helpful for you, that doesn’t mean its helpful for all. Grief and loss is awkward, I know, but it’s best to just hug and not place any opinions on what you think the other person needs to hear. We were being asked how we are doing and at the start we could only go minute by minute. Then we were able to talk about how we were feeling each hour, as this time slowly increased we would just be very honest with each other. I would ask for a ‘scale’ to gauge everyone’s overall mood. “On a scale of 1 to 10 how are we all feeling?”. Sometimes one of us would be an 8 while the others might be a 2-3, but it gave a non invasive way of checking in on everyone and making sure all were cared for on a level they were on.
We all allowed each other whatever emotions we had on any given day. This included an impromptu dance party on the kitchen bench. We love music in our family, and we’ve often been filmed dancing on chairs and tables during family gatherings. So we did this, laughed through our grief, and showed the world that it’s ok to grieve however works for you.

The strength and character of a woman
I have never met someone like my mum. I know many talk about how wonderful their mother is, but I really do think my mumma takes the cake. Her strength and depth during an absolutely tragic time of her life, was nothing short of ‘super human’ status. Through her own grief she was teaching people how to grieve, allowing others what they needed to grieve the loss of their family member and/or friend. She was gracious and understanding when others weren’t really sure what to say or do, and held her head proudly and with incredible strength. I am blessed to have had an amazing role model like my mother.

Post dedicated to the very delicious and hugely missed Bruce Webb (the best step dad in the whole world).